The extremes of being in an abusive relationship

My ex narcissist boyfriend was able to make me feel like the most important person in the world and was loving attentive and caring as well as romantic.

During these times, I felt blessed and I was totally in love with him and would have been happy to spend my life with him. When we spoke about marriage and having a family together I had no reservations whatsoever about this being part of our future together. Valeri would refer to me as his wife and would introduce me as his wife on meeting new people.

Valeri had the ability to make me feel like the star of my very own romantic movie and like the luckiest girl on the planet. He would arrange candlelight picnics on the beach in summer where we would swim and lay down under the stars. He would take me to remote beautiful places to watch the sun rise or set. He would come to my home and leave love notes or a flower on my pillow in the night when I was sleeping or built a fire so that I would wake up in the warm and there was so many other things that he did that showed thought and effort that made me feel loved and valued as well as safe and secure with him in a way that I had never felt before....

However Valeri was also able to make me feel like the person he hated most in the world and would insult me, criticise me, accuse me of the most heinous crimes as well as mentally and physically abuse me and I feared him more than I had ever feared anyone and at times I hated him with all my heart for what he would do to me and for how bad, worthless, disrespected and unloved he could make me feel.

The problem was that he wasnt always horrible and after an episode of inflicting the worst possible pain on me, he would go back to being the most amazing man in the world and I would forgive and forget what he had put me through until the next time it happened.

In the end however I was finding it harder and harder to forgive him and still felt resentful towards him even during his perfect boyfriend times but it got to the point that I was unable to express to him how I really felt about the abuse he had made me suffer with after it was over and had to go along with his romantic guestures and play the part of the loving girlfriend when in reality I was struggling to get past the last bout of abuse he had dealt me on top of all the other occasions and especially those times when he had beaten me up which I was constantly afraid he would do again if it came down to it so therefore now had to just be submissive when he started on me and just take it rather than defend myself and run the risk of making him more angry and more likely to end up with him hitting me.  

When I tried to explain this to him in his calmer moods, he would just brush it under the carpet and refused to discuss it by saying that he would never hit me again and wanted me to just let it go so if I carried on trying to make my true feelings known or acted in any way other than respond to him being the loving boyfriend by being the loving girlfriend, this would just end up triggering his rage again so I learned the hard way that it was safer for me to say nothing and just pretend I was over it and didn't hold a grudge against him when it was over and he was back to being nice which was not easy as not only did I feel abused in the bad times, I was now feeling abused in the good times by having to go along with being in love and appreciate the romantic things he did when I resented him for tarnishing them all now but I was also feeling resentment that I was unable to express my true feelings and emotions about how he was destroying the way I felt about him in the good times due to his abusive behaviour in the bad times.

I just had to be the way he wanted me to be which I had to pretend to be on some occasions especially towards the end.  

Eventually I fled the relationship with just the clothes on my back when I knew another episode of violence was coming and I just didn't have it in me to endure it again and have to then go through the romance period again especially when I felt more and more in fear of what he was capable of doing during the abusive episode as I was certain that he would no doubt end up killing me in the end.

I was not sure if it would happen this next time that was almost certainly coming and he was already building up to and past the point of no return so I knew it would and could happen at any moment now and I was on edge and anxious just waiting for the fallout.

I knew that I had to leave before he got the chance to do it again which I was sure would have been that night if I hadn't have left when I did. 

Whether or not it would have been that time or the next that he may have killed me was not a risk I was prepared to take!