Over 2 years later

 Following my arrest after being targeted and set up by Bulgarian police on 4th July 2018 on alleged drug driving offences which I hoped the blood tests that I subsequently had that day would clarify and sort the matter within weeks when the results were received as I was informed would be the length of time for them to be processed but sadly these results as I was informed by the British Embassy recently  had only just been received and had taken over 2 years to come back but still I was not informed whether they were positive or negative and told that I would have to wait until the prosecution case against me was complete to find out the results and what will happen next. I have already been banned from driving pending the blood test results for 2 years and 3 months and my car deregistered all that time and sat there deteriorating when I have not actually been charged with a crime. I have made numerous official complaints through the Embassy to the police about the circumstances of my arrest and the subsequent violations of my rights whilst in police custody and still have yet to receive a response or even an acknowledgement of these complaints. So sadly I still have to wait and in the meantime accept that I am banned from driving for over two years now and accept that my car is deteriorating and I can't do anything about it despite the fact that I have not been officially charged of any crime and my complaints about the wrongful and clearly corrupt circumstances and grounds for my arrest in the first place.  It's just an absolute joke and yet it's my reality and I can do nothing about it

One year and five months on

I have been back in the UK now for 17 months and although I have healed and come to terms with all that happened in the main, I still have days that bring out memories that I had forgotten which can make me feel anxious and angry about it all but these feelings are short lived.
As time goes by it does get easier for me to accept that everything that I own is still out of reach and just left there in my home in Bulgaria which is not secure and more than likely has been burgled by the gypsies and more possibly by Valeri who would think nothing of taking whatever he wanted to feed his gambling addiction or to just destroy when in a moment of paranoia and anger and the likelihood of me ever being reunited with my possessions is very slim and with each day that passes even less likely.

Initially when I returned to the UK I had hopes  of being able to go back to my home in Bulgaria but as time has gone on these hopes have faded and I cant see it happening now. My life just feels like it is in limbo and that I am just existing and not living.

It's been a year and 8 months since I was arrested for drug driving and still the results of my blood tests have not been received so this is still hanging over me and I cant move forward until I know what the outcome of this pending trial will be..
Every few months I get an abundance of calls in the middle of the night from a Bulgarian number which I am certain is Valeri but I don't answer and I have had no contact with him now for well over a year but still he persists!

I have absolutely no desire for another relationship with anyone and that includes relationships with my old friends and family who I have just cut myself off from completely!

I still try to remain positive and I am pinning my hopes  on a happy ending for finding a new lease of life and a new direction to go in and I just hope that this comes sooner rather than later and before I just give up on life completely

Why I fell for him!

 At first when I met my now ex narcissist boyfriend, having no real knowledge of narcissism, I misread the signs that were present in hindsight after learning about narcissism. The biggest one being that he was quite bossy and overwhelming at times when he wanted to do something together and he would not take no for an answer but these things were usually very romantic and adventurous like him waking me up in the early hours to go to the beach to watch the sun rise for example or him turning up out of the blue to take me to a local beauty spot regardless of what I was doing at the time.. he would even clean my villa when I was asleep or not home and once rearranged the cupboards of pans, crockery and utensils etc in the kitchen to be more practical for use which although was better organised, I knew where everything was before so it was a little annoying but I saw this as a kind gesture to please me. However in hindsight he was overstepping my boundaries in reality!

His dominant ways I put down to him being a strong man and I found it quite refreshing at first as I was usually the more dominant one in past relationships and the one who was relied on to make suggestions and sort out most things as I am quite a strong independent person and so I felt like he was a God send and it felt great to have someone else take the lead for once and to have met a strong man who was able to take care of me for a change.

He was very persistent in his quest to win me over and he was not deterred by me rejecting his advances in the months that I did and he was not phased by it which I saw as him having the balls to express his feelings without playing games and he remained being a good friend to me regardless of being spurned and just dusted himself off.

He was not pushy and he didn't put pressure on me but he continued to pursue me in ways that were thoughtful and very unconventional which showed him to be very unique and exciting and I would be amazed at how creative his gestures were that were often able to surprise me as they were unpredictable and actually ingenious and showed effort and not material flashy gestures which I had no interest in..

He was extremely handsome and intelligent as well as witty and fun to be with. he seemed to be open and honest as well as have the same core moral standards and outlook on life as I had. He was interested in many similar things as well as different things to me too and so I enjoyed his company and hearing about the things that he knew as well as him being interested in the things that I knew so we would talk about anything and everything for hours on end.

He seemed like the perfect man for me and I eventually started a relationship with him and I felt truly blessed.

Throughout the relationship much of the qualities that I fell for were always there still however there was also another side to him that was abusive and aggressive and when he was in these moods he was like the complete opposite to the person who I thought I knew and loved and he made me feel like he hated me more than anything and was so Controlling and cruel to me inflicting the most painful mental abuse on me relentlessly for hours on end in these times, after which he would go back to being that man I adored and who made me feel adored after the mood had lifted until the next time he would erupt out of the blue!

His abusive behaviour in these bad times escalated within months to him being physically violent towards me but he would always return to the loving man who would do anything for me and who claimed to love me more than anything in the world just as quickly as he could turn into a monster!

That wonderful side of him always returning is what made it so difficult to leave him but I eventually did after a year thankfully as I knew that his abusive behaviour would not ever stop and he was quite capable of killing me in one of those abusive rages.

Why I tolerated the abuse

I knew early on in the relationship with my ex narcissist boyfriend that his behaviour was abusive but sadly I believed that he was suffering from mental illness and quite possibly schizophrenia as he would have episodes of paranoid delusions and it was then when he was abusive which I tolerated for a few reasons. These being that I felt he was ill and therefore not responsible for the abuse and that I could help him and not abandon him like he felt everyone else in his life had always done. I was living in Bulgaria at the time where domestic violence is not seen as a crime and therefore not a police matter so I had no protection or anyone to turn to for help. Bulgaria also has a very draconian attitude towards mental illness and therefore there is little to no help or support for that either.. I believed he was suffering unnecessarily from an illness that with the right treatment would enable him to stop having the paranoid delusional episodes and he would not be abusive. After these bouts of abuse he was always sorry and seemed desperate to stop! When it all got too much for me and I needed time out and I left him, he was distraught and broken and he would beg, plead and cry for me to not abandon him or give up on him as I was all he had. This would make me feel terrible about myself and extremely guilty that I had hurt him more when he was mentally ill and couldn't help it. This would be excruciating for me to bare and I could not live with myself for turning my back on him and so I would go back to him time and time again as I also loved him very much for the wonderful person he was when he was not abusive…

After I had done everything I possibly could to help him and I was out of options as nothing had worked and he was still mentally and physically abusive, I had to make the decision to leave him for good as my own mental health was starting to suffer as I was in a constant heightened state of anxiety and fear of what he was capable of in these episodes of abuse and I lived in constant worry about when the next attack would come which I knew would come and I could not be sure whether the next time he would actually kill me whilst out of control as he had threatened to do it and had been close to it in the past!

I still believed that he was mentally ill but I had come to the realisation that I was not responsible for his problems and I could do nothing more to help him and my life had suffered enough and I was in serious danger and I was not prepared to take the chance of him ending my life because of something that was his problem and not mine and I was not responsible for or obligated to help him with at the risk of my own life.

It was only afterwards that I realised that he was probably a narcissist and not mentally ill but regardless of that, I am aware now that there is no excuse for abuse!

How the abuse affected me

I was one of the lucky ones to a degree as my ex narcissist boyfriend was unable to shake my self esteem or make me doubt who I was despite his constant accusations, criticisms and mental abuse however he was able to make me feel constantly anxious and on edge and in fear of him being physically violent as he had been on previous occasions and I thought that he was quite capable of killing me when he was in these paranoid, delusional rages which would come from nowhere and at any time day or night! His mental abuse I could handle just about as his words did not effect me and everytime he called me a liar, bitch, whore, cheat, selfish, manipulative etc etc I knew without doubt that I was none of those things and he was unable to hurt me with his words as I saw it as his problem in that he had to result to name calling when he wasnt getting the attention he needed which I saw as childish especially when before and after he was telling me how wonderful he thought I was! What I had trouble dealing with was that he would be relentless in these times that he was insulting me and I would have to endure these abusive outbursts for hours on end which was exhausting as he would not let up and whatever I said or did he would not stop whether that be trying to explain myself which I did at first or just ignore him or try to walk away which I did in the end but he would see it all as a sign of guilt. He just got worse and worse when he was in these moods and even if I tried to go to bed and sleep he would not let up and was becoming more and more aggressive. At first he would slam doors and shout then it progressed to him smashing up things in my home or my personal belongings and finally it escalated into him hitting me and the violence got worse every time so I was constantly in a heightened state of panic and terror which over time would make me have full blown anxiety and panic attacks where I felt like I was having a heart attack. Due to being constantly on edge I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind as I would have trouble focusing on what I was doing and was forgetting things and misplacing things such as where I had put my keys! There were times when I was sure that I had left a document or something similar in a certain place only to find it wasnt there when I went to get it but I now believe that he was moving things to make me feel more confused and as if I was losing my mind. It was the fear of not knowing when he could turn and knowing that he could turn at any moment and escalate into full blown rage quickly where he could beat me up and possibly kill me like he had threatened to do before that gave me the strength to escape from him and flee the country with just the clothes on my back as I felt like I was living on borrowed time! I was living in Bulgaria where there are no laws against domestic violence and therefore there is no protection from the police as its not seen as a police matter! Personally I think that I realised that I was stronger than I thought having to deal with what I did without having anyone to turn to for help and still managing to get myself out of there and to safety with my life and self esteem still intact!

My outlook on any future relationships

Sadly I have lost faith in love and romance as the one time I thought it was the real thing and that I had finally met the one who was so perfect for me in every way he turned out to be a narcissist…. When he entered my life he was like the most perfect man in the world! He was kind, considerate and loving. He seemed to have the same morals as me as well as the same interests, intellect and outlook on life. He had experienced many hardships in life that I had such as having an abusive childhood and being cheated on by a partner which I had recently been through and so he was a breath of fresh air in that he was very understanding of how painful these things had been having experienced them himself. He wanted nothing from me at first and he would do whatever he could to make me feel special and to let me know he was thinking of me. He would pick fruit and leave it on my doorstep. He would take me to remote beauty spots to watch the sun rise or set. He would leave little notes for me that would be romantic or play a song that he wanted me to listen to the words of as they were perfect to us and how he felt! He would chop wood and make a fire and we would lie in front of it with a glass of wine just talking and laughing and cuddling up. He would come to my house in the middle of the night and whilst I was sleeping he would make a fire in my bedroom so that I awoke to it being warm and with a flower or some other token of romance left on my pillow to wake up to…. He was everything that I had ever dreamed of as well as so very handsome and he was in love with me. I felt blessed and like I was walking on air and the star of my very own romantic movie… Within months he started to be abusive although he remained to be this perfect man in the times when he wasnt being abusive so I just saw it as he was not perfect, nobody is and his good traits still outweighed his bad side so I just tolerated it. However his abuse got worse and his nice side I was seeing less but nevertheless I was still seeing it!

My ex narcissist boyfriend was the only person who had ever made me feel so very cherished but he was the only person who has ever made me feel so bad and worthless too…

I feel cheated in that the only person who had been the closest thing to what I had always hoped for also turned to be the one person who I hoped to never meet and be made to suffer by…

I doubt that I will ever meet anyone again who will be able to make me feel so happy but I also hope that I never meet anyone who can hurt me so badly and so I expect that if I ever have another relationship it will always be just mediocre…

Abused yet he became the abuser

It was the abuse that my ex boyfriend claimed to have suffered in childhood that made me feel a connection with him and the reason why I let him into my life as I felt like I could help him as I too had suffered from very similar abuse in childhood.

I had been fortunate enough to move on from this though by getting the necessary help to heal from it by putting myself through years of therapy which was by no means an easy road but worth it as subsequently I was finally able to put it behind me and go on to live a life beyond my greatest expectations in adulthood.

My ex boyfriend was still very much in pain and had not been able to process it and as a consequence his life was still being affected by his childhood which I felt certain that he could recover from with the right help and support which seeing as I had been through what he had and had come through the otherside, I was certain that he could too and that I was probably the best person to help him do this.

At first he was not abusive to me and he was infact very unsure of himself, very gentle and sensitive but clearly suffering with an inferiority complex as well as paranoia that everyone was out to get him which was not too dissimilar to how I was before I had years of therapy.

As a child he had been beaten regularly by his mother and his father was an alcoholic who wasnt there for his family, emotionally or financially and would regularly have affairs and would beat his mother.

His mother eventually left his father and fled to Italy when my ex boyfriend was in his early teens leaving him in Bulgaria where he lived with his grandmother who was strict, controlling and ruled him by fear rather than love.

Nothing he ever did was good enough and he had developed the belief that he was unloveable and that everyone would always abandon him in the end!

For these reasons I tolerated his insecurities which would often be shown by him constantly accusing me of lying and cheating on him as well as him thinking that I was plotting behind his back to hurt him as I didn't love him!

When he was in these episodes I would patiently endure his hours upon hours of interrogation in the hope that I could reassure him, thinking that he would not continue to do this forever if I was tolerant and just put up with it until he felt secure with me.

For months I would have to answer to the same accusations and calmly give him a second by second account of my actions pretty much on a daily basis for hours until he felt convinced that I was telling the truth.

He would also go over and over the events of his childhood pretty much on a daily basis too and I would just listen to the same stories over and over thinking that he had to get it off his chest and be heard in order to process it.

After a while I started to offer him my thoughts and opinion on how he could look at it differently through adult eyes as well as offer him suggestions about the things that had helped me to move forward in my life and what had worked for me.

At first he seemed appreciative and open to my help but he never did any of the things that he said he would try and just carried on going round and round in circles just going over the same things but without any desire to at least try to reach a solution that would end his constant torment of reliving the events over and over which I felt was keeping him in the pain and keeping the pain as raw as it was when these things happened which although was now over 25 years ago, to him it was like it happened yesterday!

I was also having to live through it all now too on a daily basis which I pointed out was not good for either of us as it was now consuming both our lives and preventing us from having the time together in the present moment to enjoy our relationship.

I spent months and months trying to help him move forward but instead of get better, it got worse and he started to become more aggressive in his episodes of paranoia when he would accuse me of lying and cheating.

He was also becoming more insulting to me by calling me dreadful things such as a whore and a bitch who was just like everyone else who had abused him in life.

He would also belittle the abuse I suffered from as a child and say that I was lying about that too as he had suffered far worse which I personally did not agree with but nevertheless I did not say that to him or let him provoke me.

Before long he was smashing up my home and my personal belongings when he was in a paranoid mood and when he was recounting his events of his past.

He was starting to make me feel frightened by his rage which I tried to explain to him when he was calmer as It was making me feel like I had as a child and I was on edge that he could possibly hit me which would happen when I was a child after my mother would rage and smash up the house. He laughed this off and said I had nothing to fear as he would never hurt me as he too had been beaten by his mother and grandmother and knew exactly how it felt.

He continued to be aggressive and smash my home up in these rages though but I tried to remain calm in the knowledge that he would never hurt me.

It was not long however before he started to hit me!

What makes it worse is that he was fully aware of my abuse as a child and how being beaten up by a person who claims to love you has the power to destroy you emotionally as it had happened to him too yet he was quite happy to inflict it on me and then would still go on about how much his life had suffered from the abuse of his childhood!

• I believe that instead of heal from it he prefers to live in the pain and to cause this pain and suffering in others that like him didn't deserve it too and so he feels fully justified to do so!