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Overview

I am an English lady who lived in Bulgaria for 18 months which sadly did not turn out as I had hoped.

I was not new to Bulgaria's Black Sea Coast region as for 10 years I had owned an apartment there which I used regularly, even staying there for 6 months at a time on occassion on my own. I felt I knew Bulgaria and the culture well. I had learned to speak enough Bulgarian to get by and was familiar with the Bulgarian way of life.

I knew Bulgarians, in comparison, to the UK, still had a lot of outdated views and prejudices but I had never felt these were directed at British, German or Scandinavian tourists but was well aware of their dislike of Romanians and darker skinned people who were referred to openly as gypsys and niggers.

There also seemed to be some resentment towards Russians who did appear to treat Bulgarians as less superior to them and could be quite demanding!

There were some who resented Americans but most had never met one.
Being English, you are seen as rich and p…
Recent posts

My outlook on any future relationships

Sadly I have lost faith in love and romance as the one time I thought it was the real thing and that I had finally met the one who was so perfect for me in every way he turned out to be a narcissist…. When he entered my life he was like the most perfect man in the world! He was kind, considerate and loving. He seemed to have the same morals as me as well as the same interests, intellect and outlook on life. He had experienced many hardships in life that I had such as having an abusive childhood and being cheated on by a partner which I had recently been through and so he was a breath of fresh air in that he was very understanding of how painful these things had been having experienced them himself. He wanted nothing from me at first and he would do whatever he could to make me feel special and to let me know he was thinking of me. He would pick fruit and leave it on my doorstep. He would take me to remote beauty spots to watch the sun rise or set. He would leave little notes for me t…

Abused yet he became the abuser

It was the abuse that my ex boyfriend claimed to have suffered in childhood that made me feel a connection with him and the reason why I let him into my life as I felt like I could help him as I too had suffered from very similar abuse in childhood.

I had been fortunate enough to move on from this though by getting the necessary help to heal from it by putting myself through years of therapy which was by no means an easy road but worth it as subsequently I was finally able to put it behind me and go on to live a life beyond my greatest expectations in adulthood.

My ex boyfriend was still very much in pain and had not been able to process it and as a consequence his life was still being affected by his childhood which I felt certain that he could recover from with the right help and support which seeing as I had been through what he had and had come through the otherside, I was certain that he could too and that I was probably the best person to help him do this.

At first he was not ab…

Narcissism is a term that is very misunderstood

Although the term has been around since it was first introduced by the ancient Greeks when according to Greek mythology, narcissus fell in love with his own reflection, narcissism is often misunderstood and is seen in general terms to mean a person who is selfish and self absorbed. Some may be more knowledgeable about the cause of this being due to underlying self esteem and an over inflated ego to compensate for it… thats as far as my understanding went and I too had often misused the term to describe the people who I had come across that were selfish and self centred and those who tended to feel the need to boast about themselves and their material riches in favour of acknowledging the qualities and riches of others! I had no idea how much more to it there was or how damaging these people could be until I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist boyfriend! In fact I was so ignorant to what a narcissist was that it wasn't until the relationship was over that I was to realise…

A narcissist doesn't choose you because you are weak

Narcissists have a basic need to rid themselves of prevailing emptiness. They frequently achieve this by carefully choosing a victim who is then charmed, seduced and trapped. The victim’s energy feeds the stalker and provides what he lacks. Being incapable of love, these narcissistic stalkers are ravaged by the furious envy they feel for those who truly enjoy life. We’re not talking of material assets, but of moral qualities: vitality, empathy, sensitivity, creativity, goals, and life projects. Besides, they’re not so easy to identify. They can easily switch their attitude from being charming and caring, to being ruthlessly critical and dismissive, feeding the victim’s confusion and self-doubt.
Narcissist stalkers frequently look for these 5 traits in their victims, some of which might surprise you (but are NEVER the victim’s fault):​ 1. Above Average Intelligence. Emotional stalkers seek very intelligent, really bright, highly skilled, well-trained victims. They look for enthusiasm a…

Trauma bonds a victim to their abuser

After everything that my ex narcissist boyfriend put me through emotionally and physically which far ouweighed the good times as well as the times he was being ok to me, not coming anywhere near to making his behaviour balanced or even close enough to compensate for his abusive behaviour, I still had deep feelings for him that would eventually mean that I would go back to him!

These feelings were not always there especially when he was dishing out his abuse and for the day or so after in which time I would feel hatred, anger and total disgust for him but no matter what he did, for some reason I would not hold onto these bad feelings towards him for long and would always revert back to feelings of loving him as well as inconsolable guilt for me abandoning him and for the hurt he was going through that had been caused by me leaving him.

This was something that I just couldn't understand let alone try to explain to my family and friends who were of the opinion that if it really was t…

I knew that he was the problem and not me

I have read many articles about victims of narcissistic abuse losing their identity and doubting their own mind so much  that they start believing that they are the person that the narcissist has constantly told them they are and so they start to blame themselves for the abuse thinking it is somehow their fault..

This did not happen to me as I knew exactly who I was and no matter how many times he would tell me that I was this or that, I always knew that he was wrong and that he was the problem! I never once doubted that either as he was the only person who I had ever met in my life that saw me in that bad light.

However I think that this made it harder for me as I would endure hours and hours on end of him constantly trying to brain wash me and break me into believing that I was all the awful things that he would tell me over and over again that I was and when I would not agree and accept it, his abuse continued and stepped up a gear. It was like torture!

In the early days I would co…

The value of writing about my experience

When I was in the relationship with my ex narcissist boyfriend I couldn't think straight as I was constantly in fear and anxious and in a state of high alert waiting for the next attack. Also when in the relationship with a narcissist you are not able to express your true feelings and emotions for fear of the repercussions so I wasn't able to think or feel straight and in constant fear in the end.

It sends you crazy and your thoughts become disorientated and you start forgetting even basis things as your brain has to function in survival mode and therefore will make head space in order to do this.

I was living in fear that he was quite capable of killing me as I had felt close to being killed by him in the past when he had lost control and had raged like a wild animal when he was in a paranoid and delusional state and convinced himself that I was working for the ‘system' to destroy him so therefore felt he would have to kill me first!

Once I was out of the relationship an…