I could understand why he was abusive but it didn't make it ok

When I was with my narcissist boyfriend and he had beaten me as well as mentally abused me to the point of me feeling that I was going crazy, I had so much anger inside me that I wanted to kill him, even contemplating for a split second about throwing an electrical device into the bath whilst he was in it as well as having thoughts of stabbing him if he hit me again which I couldn't actually go through with when it came down to it but I did on one occasion fight back and I did so as I believed he was going to kill me and it was either going to be him or me. However I did question after these events whether I was any better than him for allowing myself to be pushed enough to lose control and becoming quite capable of acting exactly how he was, especially when I was aware that narcissists are often the way they are due to some sort of abuse that had occurred in their childhood! My abuse was happening to me as an adult and yet still I had been pushed to the point where I too was quite capable of inflicting the type of revenge against him or even anyone who caused me to feel threatened at that time that he was inflicting on me even though I was not the person who hurt him and I was well aware that at that time in a moment of madness I too was more than capable of losing it with anyone who happened to get in my way or piss me off at that time or just cross my path and they would have most definitely beared the brunt of my aggression that would not have been their fault either. He had been damaged as a child and was angry and now saw danger everywhere because of it and therefore he was, in a way, protecting himself and only acting that way because of his childhood injuries that clearly had destroyed his life and now I was more than capable of acting that way too after suffering the abuse from him. In a strange way I could actually understand why he was like he was!