The value of writing about my experience

When I was in the relationship with my ex narcissist boyfriend I couldn't think straight as I was constantly in fear and anxious and in a state of high alert waiting for the next attack.

Also when in the relationship with a narcissist you are not able to express your true feelings and emotions for fear of the repercussions so I wasn't able to think or feel straight and in constant fear in the end.

It sends you crazy and your thoughts become disorientated and you start forgetting even basis things as your brain has to function in survival mode and therefore will make head space in order to do this.

I was living in fear that he was quite capable of killing me as I had felt close to being killed by him in the past when he had lost control and had raged like a wild animal when he was in a paranoid and delusional state and convinced himself that I was working for the ‘system' to destroy him so therefore felt he would have to kill me first!

Once I was out of the relationship and out of the danger in another country, my head was swirling around with a confusing mix of the many different terrifying events that had occurred and although I wanted to just shut it all out, I couldn't and these jumbled memories were all I could focus on and were still torturing me so I still wasn't free from him.
However because I was out of the situation, it was expected and presumed by my friends and family that I would be fine now as it was over and I should be happy to be back in England but I was not fine and I was not happy!

I had noone to discuss these things with and no desire to discuss them with anyone anyway as I felt noone understood.

I knew that I had to process these things in order for them to get out of my head and for me to start the healing process and that leaving him and returning to England did not mean it was over and I could forget all about it now which my family and friends were certain of.

I needed to try and understand what exactly had happened in order to get clarity and closure as I was in a state of disbelief and shock that this had happened to me and I couldn't understand why or how it had happened or exactly what I feeling about it all and him..

I just started writing down the bits that were in my head that were giving me nightmares and despite it being in just bits and pieces at first and I couldn't recall all of that particular event, I was able to roughly place these bits and pieces in the order in which they happened.

I was also able to remember the start of the relationship and of course me leaving him and before long more and more of the haze inbetween would come back.

It was just like doing a jigsaw puzzle and the more I got out of my head onto paper, the more space I made in my head to bring to the surface those memories that had been suppressed until I was able to complete the puzzle.

This process of writing about it I found to be very therapeutic and was the only way I had to help me get through it.

It gave me a sense of purpose to begin with and then clarity and closure as well as help me to heal by allowing me to see the whole picture when I read it all back as a complete story after the 10 months it had taken me to get everything down in writing that I felt like I needed to.

I was able to revisit this entire chapter of my life from a safe place and with total honesty and finally get peace and the strength to close the book on it and move forward.

I decided to put my story in the public domain so it can be read by all. 

It hasnt been edited and is as it was when  I first wrote it down  page by page as I wrote it for me and noone else initially so I apologise if there are parts that don't seem as clear as they could to the reader but neverless, I hope that it can be of help to others who have suffered from abuse or are still suffering.

Should you have any questions or would like more details or clarification about any part of what I have written then please do let me know and I will be happy to help...