How the abuse affected me

I was one of the lucky ones to a degree as my ex narcissist boyfriend was unable to shake my self esteem or make me doubt who I was despite his constant accusations, criticisms and mental abuse however he was able to make me feel constantly anxious and on edge and in fear of him being physically violent as he had been on previous occasions and I thought that he was quite capable of killing me when he was in these paranoid, delusional rages which would come from nowhere and at any time day or night! His mental abuse I could handle just about as his words did not effect me and everytime he called me a liar, bitch, whore, cheat, selfish, manipulative etc etc I knew without doubt that I was none of those things and he was unable to hurt me with his words as I saw it as his problem in that he had to result to name calling when he wasnt getting the attention he needed which I saw as childish especially when before and after he was telling me how wonderful he thought I was! What I had trouble dealing with was that he would be relentless in these times that he was insulting me and I would have to endure these abusive outbursts for hours on end which was exhausting as he would not let up and whatever I said or did he would not stop whether that be trying to explain myself which I did at first or just ignore him or try to walk away which I did in the end but he would see it all as a sign of guilt. He just got worse and worse when he was in these moods and even if I tried to go to bed and sleep he would not let up and was becoming more and more aggressive. At first he would slam doors and shout then it progressed to him smashing up things in my home or my personal belongings and finally it escalated into him hitting me and the violence got worse every time so I was constantly in a heightened state of panic and terror which over time would make me have full blown anxiety and panic attacks where I felt like I was having a heart attack. Due to being constantly on edge I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind as I would have trouble focusing on what I was doing and was forgetting things and misplacing things such as where I had put my keys! There were times when I was sure that I had left a document or something similar in a certain place only to find it wasnt there when I went to get it but I now believe that he was moving things to make me feel more confused and as if I was losing my mind. It was the fear of not knowing when he could turn and knowing that he could turn at any moment and escalate into full blown rage quickly where he could beat me up and possibly kill me like he had threatened to do before that gave me the strength to escape from him and flee the country with just the clothes on my back as I felt like I was living on borrowed time! I was living in Bulgaria where there are no laws against domestic violence and therefore there is no protection from the police as its not seen as a police matter! Personally I think that I realised that I was stronger than I thought having to deal with what I did without having anyone to turn to for help and still managing to get myself out of there and to safety with my life and self esteem still intact!