Why I tolerated the abuse

I knew early on in the relationship with my ex narcissist boyfriend that his behaviour was abusive but sadly I believed that he was suffering from mental illness and quite possibly schizophrenia as he would have episodes of paranoid delusions and it was then when he was abusive which I tolerated for a few reasons. These being that I felt he was ill and therefore not responsible for the abuse and that I could help him and not abandon him like he felt everyone else in his life had always done. I was living in Bulgaria at the time where domestic violence is not seen as a crime and therefore not a police matter so I had no protection or anyone to turn to for help. Bulgaria also has a very draconian attitude towards mental illness and therefore there is little to no help or support for that either.. I believed he was suffering unnecessarily from an illness that with the right treatment would enable him to stop having the paranoid delusional episodes and he would not be abusive. After these bouts of abuse he was always sorry and seemed desperate to stop! When it all got too much for me and I needed time out and I left him, he was distraught and broken and he would beg, plead and cry for me to not abandon him or give up on him as I was all he had. This would make me feel terrible about myself and extremely guilty that I had hurt him more when he was mentally ill and couldn't help it. This would be excruciating for me to bare and I could not live with myself for turning my back on him and so I would go back to him time and time again as I also loved him very much for the wonderful person he was when he was not abusive…

After I had done everything I possibly could to help him and I was out of options as nothing had worked and he was still mentally and physically abusive, I had to make the decision to leave him for good as my own mental health was starting to suffer as I was in a constant heightened state of anxiety and fear of what he was capable of in these episodes of abuse and I lived in constant worry about when the next attack would come which I knew would come and I could not be sure whether the next time he would actually kill me whilst out of control as he had threatened to do it and had been close to it in the past!

I still believed that he was mentally ill but I had come to the realisation that I was not responsible for his problems and I could do nothing more to help him and my life had suffered enough and I was in serious danger and I was not prepared to take the chance of him ending my life because of something that was his problem and not mine and I was not responsible for or obligated to help him with at the risk of my own life.

It was only afterwards that I realised that he was probably a narcissist and not mentally ill but regardless of that, I am aware now that there is no excuse for abuse!