The day I left him for good

It was Sunday Sunday 14th October 2018 that I finally left him and the last time I ever saw him! I knew that this time I was leaving him forever as I had to!

No matter what I had done to keep the peace, he was going through the same cycle again that I knew was going to inevitably climax with him hitting me again and I could see this getting closer and closer despite my every efforts to halt the process which I was managing to only slow down a little as he was too far gone into his paranoid delusional thinking. I knew that I didnt have enough left in me to continue to hold off the inevitable for much longer and it would have to go full cycle which meant I would be physically hurt again before he could start to come out the other side. He was getting more and more paranoid and going back over things that I thought were behind us and he had finally been reassured that I hadnt done these things as he hadnt mentioned them in a while but now they were all resurfacing and I didn't have the energy to go through hours of interrogations about the same things I had been through with him so many times before and already provided every little detail as well as cast iron and irrefutable evidence that I was 100% innocent of these perceived crimes against him when I knew that nothing I said now was going to matter.

I was feeling suffocated as my every move was controlled by him! I had to ask to go out, was on the clock when I did and met  with interrogation on my return and expected to recall every single detail of the time I was out which was only ever to walk the dog and for no more than 30 minutes at a time. I was complying with everything he wanted but he was not snapping out of it like he usually did before in a day or so when I was on my best behaviour and I was sure now he was on course to take out all his anger and rage out on me at the right opportunity for him for the slightest reason!

Whenever he went out I had to remain in the apartment and he would lock me in until he returned and whenever I went out he either followed me or came to find me if I was out of sight or taking too long. I felt like a prisoner!

One day when he locked me in the apartment when he  went out, he said he would be no more than 3 hours but he didnt return until 8 hours later in which time my dog was needing to go out to go to the toilet and I was going stir crazy and felt like a caged animal! He mistook my relief to hear the door unlock on his return for me being happy to see him as I had missed him!

I was out of money so out of options. I had no passport as it had expired, no driving licence as I had been banned waiting on results and a trial for my drug driving arrest. My car was still being repaired and I was not certain that my family would still lend me the money for the repairs!
I had no idea what I was going to do or where I could go but I knew that I needed to get away for good before it was too late as in the back of my mind I couldn't shake the fear and the feeling that it was a possibility this time when inevitably he was going to loose it again, that he was capable of killing me in a moment of madness...

I had gone to bed early the night before after he demanded my bank card and took the little I had left to gamble leaving us with nothing for food and him telling me that I was a selfish bitch for trying to keep the money for myself and told me to get out of his sight!

The day I was to leave began with him waking me up by smacking me over the head with a pillow in an aggressive manner.
I asked what was the matter and presumed it had to be down to him losing another bet but it wasnt as he was quick to point out which worried me even more.

He said that he wasnt in a mood because he had lost which I was obviously expecting him to as he had actually won which he said that no doubt I was hoping that he would not do. (Ludicrous seeing as it was my money he had used for betting yet again that I had borrowed from my father to eat which I had no choice but to hand over to him in the end)! I explained to him how could I possibly have not wanted him to win when I had given him my last 50 lev which we needed for food but he felt angry still!

He accused me of not wanting him to be happy which again I protested against, pointing out that when he was happy then my life was happier and easier so what possible reason would I have to want to make him unhappy when I knew he would take it out on me!

It turned out that he was angry because being with me was stopping him from going out and having sex with young beautiful girls!

 It was my fault as I had some hold over him and had made him fall in love with me!

Thinking on my feet, I calmly said that I would never want to hold him back as I loved him so therefore wanted him to be happy and if being with young beautiful girls would make him happy then I would help him achieve this.

In all honesty I was at the stage of the relationship where I felt that I would be glad for him to find another and let me be free of him so I was not being insincere about giving him my blessing!

However what Valeri wanted was to be with me but to have sex with young beautiful girls which he claimed would mean nothing as he had a deeper connection with me than he had ever had and didn't want to lose that but yet he resented me for it as I wasn't what he wanted!

Although his comments were cutting and nasty, they had little effect on me anymore as I felt nothing but resentment towards him now.
Easily I was able to  reassure him that I would not leave him if he did have sex with another girl who was young and beautiful so he should do what he felt was right for him.

The rest of the morning I was walking on eggshells as he was quite clearly looking for any excuse to insult, abuse and take out his rage on me and I knew if I didn't get away from him that I would be sure to get another beating very soon!

He left for Varna mid morning to go to collect the winnings and insisted that he locked me in the apartment whilst he was gone which I tried to object to by saying that I wanted to be able to take Lula for a walk but I was actually intending on leaving when he went to Varna but he was having none of it and started to say that he would lock the door as he knew what I was like and would have men in to fuck behind his back and so I had no choice but to go along with being locked in and just hope when he returned he would have snapped out of this mindset and be ok again.

The whole time he was gone I was on tender hooks about him returning and the mood he would be in which I just knew was going to be worse.

To appease any reason to provoke him I made sure the apartment was clean and tidy, I was clean and tidy and there was nothing that he could use to berate me.

When the I heard the key in the door about 5 hours later, my heart sank and I just prayed for him to be in a better mood and did what I could to greet him with the most warm and loving welcome possible.

He entered the apartment and I went to give him and kiss and a hug and told him that I had missed him and that I had tidied up and made the place look nice for him..

He said nothing and just locked the front door and walked into the bedroom with the keys in his hand. I knew that I had to get out of there as soon as possible as I knew what was coming!

A few minutes later he returned from the bedroom and I asked him if everything was ok but I was on edge as I knew that he had locked the door as he was intending on having a go at me about something as his mood had clearly not improved!

He again said nothing and so I tried to make light of it by asking if he was impressed with how tidy the place was. He turned and said to me 'are you a child and expecting me to praise you for doing the things that you should have enough respect for yourself as an adult to do?'

I tried to act normal and said I needed to walk Lula so could he unlock the door but he refused!

He then started to accuse me of trying to destroy his life and working for the 'system' to destroy him being my only reason for moving to Bulgaria.

I knew there was no chance of reasoning with him and I demanded he open the door. I had pressed the number to call my dads answerphone so he would hear everything that happened should it end badly for me and I told Valeri this.

To my surprise he threw the keys at me and screamed at me to get out!

I unlocked the door as quickly as I could as I was shaking like crazy as he was standing right next to me at this point as I opened it! I stood outside the door and shouted for lula to come out but as she reached the door, he slammed it shut before she could get out and started to run after me when I bolted, shouting he was going to kill me for sure this time.

I got to the lift and  the doors closed just as he reached it. I knew that he would not be able to get down the stairs before I got to the bottom as we were on the fifth floor. There were also three exits I could take at ground level which I knew would also stall him.

I reached ground level and pushed the exit open to the main street but I then hid under the stairwell until he went out onto the main street and double backed into the lift to the fifth floor to get Lula but he had locked the front door so I had to just go and leave her as I knew he would realise that I couldn't have left the building when I was nowhere in sight and he would definitely hurt me if he caught me now!

I sent the lift to the top floor and took the stairs and left in the opposite  direction to the way he went.

I ran through the back streets and to the very end of Golden Sands before I stopped and only stopped because my phone started ringing as my dad was calling me after receiving an incomprehensible message from me on his answer phone which he said was muffled.

I just cried and cried so much that I couldn't even get my words out and had to hang up and call him back a few minutes later once I had composed myself.

I told my dad what had happened and that I had to go back for Lula even though I was sure he would kill me this time and I would have to take my chances as I couldn't leave her. I was devastated about leaving Lula but my dad said I had to get to a place of safety and then deal with it. He told me to get to the police station in Varna and to call him back once I had left Golden Sands and on my way!