Mixed emotions

The guard I had hired was with me night and day for the first week or so until I was able to start getting my home back to a safe haven with the locks changed to more secure locks to start with.

Valeri in the past was still able to get in even when the doors were locked by forcing them.

In this time of having a guard 24 hours a day and securing my home, I was able to relax for the first time in a very long time and without feeling constantly anxious I was able to reflect and contemplate on my own true feelings and work out what I really wanted which I realised that I had not been able to do since Steven had left as I had been consumed with Valeri's issues and needs and neglected my own.

I had mixed emotions but now in a better frame of mind and in a safe environment I was free to be myself again and that was something I had missed.

I knew that I did not want to give that up for a relationship with Valeri or anyone.

I knew I cared for Valeri but I realised that my feelings for him were more of a caring nature than love.

I also felt deep down that I had been burdened with having to help him as he had noone else who was going to help him. This made me feel bad to think this however I decided that I would contact his family and ask for their help and at the very least to share the burden of getting him the help he needed. I was prepared to pay for private treatment for him to get well but I felt it was for his family to deal with now emotionally and not me!

I asked the police to contact his father, who lived in the village but was astranged to Valeri, to relay my concerns about Valeri being in need of mental health care and that I suspected he was schizophrenic and that I was sure was the reason for all his bad behaviour towards his family and me and that I was sure would be far better with the right treatment for which I was happy to pay for.

I was able to get  contact details for his mother who lives in Italy and I sent her a message too which I translated to Bulgarian.

I felt sure that this was the best solution all round and that I was not turning my back on him and he would now have the support of his family and my support as a friend too!

Sadly his mother did not even reply and his father told the police that he would not help!

As much as my heart went out to Valeri that his family were not willing to help him, I was not prepared to have my life destroyed and have to live in fear because of his issues. I was willing to support him as a friend but if his family would not help him then he needed to help himself.

I had made my mind up that I needed to be cruel to be kind so when he called or txt me, I said that I wouldn't be in contact with him unless he was to come to terms with the fact that his paranoia, aggression and abuse was not normal or acceptable behaviour and he sought help as until he did, I was not prepared to live in fear or have any kind of relationship with him.

Valeri at first started by saying that I was the problem and if I did not provoke him and stopped lying to him then it would all be ok.

After having time away from him and being far more together, I was now 100% sure that I was not the problem and I was not going to do anything to change as I was happy to live my life without him in it.

I had made far too many compromises as it was and none of them had done anything more than make me feel unhappy.

Valeri had to now put himself out and make the changes that were in the main going to benefit him and his life above all else.

My final comment to him being that if he truly believed he had no problem and I was the problem then he should see a doctor just to prove me wrong and if I was wrong then I promised that I would seek help!

Once he realised that I was not going to back down or blame myself in any way for his actions and after weeks of  refusing to see or speak to him and having a guard to protect me from him, Valeri finally agreed he needed help so then changed tactics and said he would do anything and whatever it took to get me back as he couldn't live without me.

I still ignored him as I felt like I had to until he put his words into action which I felt sure he would.

Once the new locks were fitted the guard was sure I would be safe in the daytime so it was agreed that he would come at 5pm and leave at 8am the next day.

I was happy with this, not only due to costs but as I was in need of space and my freedom.

 It felt like I had become free of Valeri only to become under house arrest in a different way!

Now I was sure that Valeri could not get in unless I let him in, which I was not going to do, I was looking forward to having my days back. Besides Valeri had stopped stalking the villa and was still going to think the guard was there all the time.

Weeks had past and I had not responded to any attempts by Valeri to reach me and even his promises to get help and his threats to kill himself had got no reaction so I hoped he had given up on me.