Think, sleep, eat!

I booked a large apartment in Saint Constantine that was away from the hustle bustle which was larger than I needed physically but mentally I needed space so it was perfect and as soon as we arrived, I felt every part of me relax so much so that  I fell asleep almost instantly on the sofa for the entire afternoon until late evening. I was only awoken by my phone ringing which when I looked at it had been ringing for the past hour with excessive missed calls from Valeri.

I answered it and said quite bluntly that I wanted some space to think as I had told him previously so he had to stop hounding me and I hung up on him. He txt and said please could I call him back to talk and then he promised to leave me alone. I called him back and he was crying and begging me to come back. I was calm and able to explain that I had to have some space to think and for once he actually listened to me and understood why. I didn't not love him but I was upset and disappointed that after everything he had allowed himself to get angry and aggressive yet again based on a dream and yet again let it escalate into hours of him tormenting me and being abusive to me until I could take no more and had to leave. He did point out that he came after me and stopped it when I went back with him as promised but I had to explain that although I was grateful for him doing that and was aware of the effort he made to stop, I nevertheless needed time to think to get the resentment I still felt about it out of my system which I could only do by taking time out from him. He seemed to understand and he didnt call again but sent me messages to say sorry and that he loved me and missed me. I was starting to soften and feel less resentment towards him but I was confused and burned out and just wanted some 'me' time.

I went to bed that night feeling more relaxed than I had done in ages.

I woke up in the early hours and thought I heard someone outside but I put it down to heightened emotions and went back to sleep. (It was only later on that I found out that Valeri had been there that night in the garden but he had no idea which apartment I was in so after walking 10km there he walked 10km back again. It turned out that he could access my emails through my computer and therefore saw the booking.com confirmation email).

When I woke up the next morning I was pleased that there were no missed calls from Valeri and that he was for once respecting my wishes but he couldn't control himself for long and by the afternoon he was ringing and txting again incessantly.

I eventually answered and was quite cold and direct and told him if he didn't stop harrassing me then I would stay away longer as I just wanted some 'me' time.. I felt terrible and guilty as he seemed so desperate and told me that he had walked over 25km last night to find me as he felt so alone. I reassured him that I wasnt leaving him and I would see him soon but only if he gave me some space for now.

We have all been in that situation where we have felt desperate when we thought we were losing someone we loved and despite their wishes for space, we have nevertheless kept trying to contact them and so I felt empathy towards him and didnt want to cause him anymore unnecessary hurt. He seemed so sorry and he had afterall not let this latest rage escalate to him hitting me so I decided that he could meet me in Saint Constantine that evening. He promised that he would be the nice Valeri that he knew I loved and I knew he would be.

I would have preferred to have more time alone but I knew that I wasn't going to get it and that he was far more likely to behave better with me than not if I left him to stew any longer..

Part of me was also looking forward to seeing him as he was always back to being wonderful after having an episode of being in a rage..