Constant accusations

Early in the relationship Valeri  regulary accused me of many things from lieing, cheating, being selfish, not knowing myself, not being interested in him, manipulative, driven by ego, privileged, false, unhealthy, unclean!

He even accused me of plotting against him behind his back, that I enjoyed it when he felt bad, for attacking him pyschologically, being controlling and even of planning the whole move to Bulgaria just to trick him into my life so I could destroy him as I was working for the 'system'.

He went from telling me how wonderful I was and how lucky he felt to be with me to hours of constantly criticising me and telling me how I should improve and accusing me of the most heinous acts ... He even started saying that I treated Steven badly and thats why he cheated and I was now treating him badly too!

I am not insecure about who I am and like the person I am very much thankfully.
I happen to know myself well enough to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses so although I was upset by his insults and accusations, I was aware that it was his problem and not mine and at first, it was water off a ducks back to me and I was not going to change who I was or be affected by the opinions of someone who it was clear to me, had no idea of who I was if he thought so badly of me and no right to criticise or judge me either especially just to make himself feel better (which is what I put it down to).

When Valeri started on these full blown  spiteful crusades, he was relentless!

He would repeat the same insults and accusations over and over without any tangible reasons for why and no matter what I said or how many times I refuted his claims by giving solid grounds for his opinions, insults and accusations being totally unfounded and way off the mark, he would carry on regardless and discount anything I said.

We had only been together a short while and already it was becoming unbearable and I was of the opinion that if it was to continue then I did not want to remain in the relationship with him which I did voice to him.

He would say sorry for the accusations and the insults dished out when out of his paranoid mood and would always claim it was because he was insecure and expected these things were happening as that was what he was used to happening in his life.

However I was running out of patience and sympathy as I was being subjected to hours on end, at times, of questioning and insults for things I had never done.

I had tried the sympathetic route of hearing him out and giving him any answers he required and detailed accounts of my movements and motives which were sincere in the hope that I could reassure him but after having to do this for hours on end and day after day without achieving anything but him disbelieving and twisting my words, I then tried to not get into it with him and hoped he would snap out of it quicker.

But he would then accuse me of not wanting to discuss it as I was guilty and would continue with the accusations and insults regardless which felt like torture as I could not escape from it.

I would leave the room, he would follow, I would listen to music, he would switch it off, I would go for a walk and he would follow, repeating over and over what I had supposedly done and what kind of person he thought I was.

There were times when I eventually broke down in tears begging him to stop with this torturous behaviour for the sake of our relationship.

Finally I got to the stage where I had no choice but to get angry and would say that if he really believed I was capable of the things I was being accused of and such a terrible person then why be in the relationship as I certainly did not want to be in a relationship with a person who felt that way about me!

He saw this as an admission of guilt and not that I was angry out of sheer frustration so I couldn't win!

I wanted us to have a good Christmas together without any problems and so I gave him an ultimatum.

 If he was not prepared to at least try to stop doing it especially when he knew how much it was hurting me and the relationship and given that I was never actually guilty of the accusations for which he claimed he was always sorry after for putting me through, then I did not want the relationship to continue..

Valeri was absolutely devastated by this revelation and was inconsolable and I felt terrible for putting him in the situation where he now felt totally insecure and afraid of losing 'the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life' due to an issue that he said he did not want to do nor did he want to feel that way about me but after all the times he had been let down and abandoned he had  come to expect the worst and was terrified of losing me.

I did understand why he felt insecure and why he found it hard to trust but all I was asking him to do was to accept that this was not my fault and not to keep being punished for his past.

All I wanted was for him to remember that when he started to get doubts about me just to think about it before going full on into accusing me of such terrible things and then insulting me.

I reassured him that I would not end the relationship so long as he tried not to let his paranoia get the better of him and just told me when he felt the doubts creeping in before it escalated into him making false, harmful accusations and saying hurtful and insulting things to me.






No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments are gladly received so I thank you for your time and your feedback

Overview

I am an English lady who lived in Bulgaria for 18 months which sadly did not turn out as I had hoped. I was not new to Bulgaria'...