Personal guard did not deter him or me

After I got a new phone, Valeri had been and still was calling and txting me the whole time after I left him but I did not reply even though a part of me wanted to forget about what he had done when I was not so angry as I missed him. Not the Valeri who was violent as I did not see that side of him as the real him but I missed the Valeri who was a lost soul crying out to be loved and who would do anything for me.

I thought the monster in him was a symptom of mental illness which had gone untreated for so long was not only causing me pain but was actually hurting him too!

He seemed to be totally unaware of why I had left him and seemed heartbroken which made me feel guilty as I truly believed he was mentally ill and not aware of what he was doing in his delusional episodes.

 I went back to my villa after nearly a week in hiding to find that Valeri had made a few changes to the place by throwing out bits of furniture and ornaments he did not like and to find photos of me on display everywhere with hearts drawn around my face which totally unnerved me to see the extent of his obsession but also saddened me to think he thought in his deluded mind that I had left for no reason and had just abandoned him. I believed he was not fully aware of the extent of the devastation that he had caused and that he did not even remember what he had done.

On the first night back in my villa with an armed guard it was not long before Valeri returned. Less than an hour in fact and I felt glad that I had protection as I was still very frightened nonetheless but still very sad that I couldn't help him!

After ringing the bell at the gate and getting no answer he scaled the wall and was intercepted by the guard before he reached the villa.

The guard had locked me in and when he returned he said that Valeri had gone and that he was sure he would not return as he had put his gun to his head and warned him to stay away and hoped that it was enough to scare him off.

The guard said that Valeri had asked him to give me something.
It was a piece of quartz that I had given to Valeri before we were even together when he was feeling paranoid. Quartz is said to be a crystal  to keep you safe and thats why I had given it to him.

It upset me to know he had not only carried it around all this time but he now had wanted to make sure the guard gave it to me when he had a gun to his head.

After he had left that night the police picked him up when he was seen outside the house and he was held in a cell over night and released the next day.

I was informed of this by Kristina, the girl I knew who had translated for me at the police station. She also told me that Valeri had a black eye and many bruises to his face  and the police had told her he had got because he had fallen over.

I felt terrible as I saw him as a mentally ill man who thought I was his world and who was not aware of the fear he had made me feel and who now was probably confused and scared and feeling like the one person in his life he saw as his only friend had turned on him.

 I did still love him but I was scared of him becoming that monster again who was capable of actually killing me in a moment of madness!

A week had past and I felt that I had to see him and make sure he was ok.

 I was scared to death to see him but knew I would not be able to live with myself unless I tried to explain to him that I did not hate him but I just couldnt help him anymore..
I missed him terribly despite all he had done and hated the thought of him all alone but I also felt that I couldn't forgive him for hurting me and I felt bad about that too!

I went to his apartment one morning and after much hesitation I banged the door but I was scared of how he would be so ran to the bottom of the stairs before he opened the door so I would be safe.

When he opened the door I was horrified to see his face still all black and blue a week later and I just cried.

My beautiful boy was unrecognizable and looked broken.

He said to me that he was not so beautiful now and
he started to cry. He said he was pleased to see me and invited me in but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't go in as I was still very scared but hesitantly I climbed the stairs and stood within 2 meters of him.

I wanted to give him a hug and to make him feel better and all my anger at what he had put me through vanished and I now saw before me the vulnerable and misunderstood Valeri that despite everything I still loved very much.

I felt torn! I wanted to be with him but I knew that I could not be!

Not until he had got the help he needed!

Everyone else in his life had abandoned him and I decided there and then I would find a way to get him the help he needed but until then I had to keep myself safe too by having a guard!

I told him that I would not give up on him but I needed to protect myself and get strong again and once I was I would try again to help him but for now I needed to feel safe and for him to let me be.

I knew Valeri was watching the villa and trying to work out if the guard was permanent and if there was an opportunity to see me which in a way made me feel like I was loved as well as sad for him to be cut off by me. However I needed the guard for now so I could feel safe until I could find a way to get Valeri the help he needed and I hoped he understood this.

In the back of my mind I saw Valeri and I one day being reunited with his illness treated so we could be happy again so this was a temporary measure with a means to an end!

Valeri would ring the bell at the gate at different times of the day and night and flee out of sight to see if the guard was there which thankfully he was!

I wanted the fear I felt of him to go and felt so sad that I now felt this way too!

I was still holding out for a happy ending for Valeri and I....but I was petrified of him becoming that monster again.