This close to giving up

As I reached the outskirts of Byala my fuel light came on so I knew I had enough petrol to get back to the apartment to get my bank card and get to Obzor at least.

On approaching Byala I was physically shaking and willing the gods to not get caught driving by the police and for Valeri not to be there.

I stopped just as I reached Byala and was not sure if I should continue as I felt so scared about being seen by the police so I parked up for a moment and then drove about half a km and stopped again. I put my hood up on my jumper and went a little further into the town where I stopped again just to make sure there were no police around by getting out of the car and running to the next street before continuing a little further in the car.

I abandoned the car about three streets from the apartment  and walked the rest of the way.

When I reached the apartment block I waited before going in to make sure that Valeri was not about and was hesitant about actually entering the apartment for fear he could be in there waiting for me. Luckily he wasnt and I started to look for my bank card in all the obvious places at first and then everywhere else possible when I couldn't find it in hope that it would just appear and I could leave but I ended up turning the place over and looked under the beds, the cupboards even the fridge but I couldn't find it!
There was no where else for me to look and I knew it was lost and I was now completely screwed!

I felt sunken and as if I was destined to never leave Bulgaria and that may be it was my fate to die there and not ever return to England again but I refused to just give up!

I went back to the car and drove as fast as I could out of Byala and back to Obzor where I parked on a cliff overlooking the sea!

I knew that I was well and truly fucked now! I had no money for food, no petrol to go anywhere, nowhere to stay that was safe and no bank card so noone could help me now anyway!

I got out the car and stood at the end of the cliff and screamed!

I just kept thinking why me! Why is this happening to me! Haven't I been through enough already when all I tried to do was move to Bulgaria and live my dream life after I had worked so hard for years to achieve it.. but no! I wasnt allowed to have my dream come true and all it had brought me was one horrific nightmare after another and now I couldn't even leave and would have to stay in this nightmare which was going to get so much worse and I could quite possibly end up being killed by a fucking nutcase who I tried to help!

When I called my dad and explained what had happened, I was not surprisingly in a state and then I had my stepmother come on the phone and tell me that I needed mental health care and clearly wasn't right in myself and therefore should go to a hospital right away!

Seriously! That was the last straw and I let her have it and did act like a complete crazy nutter for once and I screamed abuse and completely lost it with her before I eventually just hung up on her!

What I  needed was the help and support of my family and some understanding and empathy for what I had already endured and not to be spoken to in a way that made me feel like I was the problem!

She tried to call me back but I didnt answer and then my brother called and then my friend Richard and then my ex boyfriend as they all clearly were in contact with each other and had been informed that I had hung up on my stepmother!

When I had had enough of them all calling and had composed myself, I rang them all back one by one and I told them all the same thing; they either do something to help me to get home or they can bring me home in a wooden box because I was not going to let Valeri have the pleasure of killing me and rather than have to go through the fear of that happening I would rather drive my car off this cliff and into the sea and end it now! They had a choice and could either help me to get home alive or bring me home dead!

Once I finally got my point across they started to listen to me and back off with the constant accusations that I was just mentally ill and delusional and accepted that I could not and would not go back to stay at the apartment in Byala.

• It also started to dawn on them that I had no money, no petrol and no driving licence or passport and now I had no bank card either so they couldn't help me now even if they wanted to!