The calm before the storm

Letting Valeri back into my life after the first time he hit me was not easy for me.

Although he was extremely sorry and swore to me that he would never ever do it again, I was scared to death when he became paranoid and angry which he was still doing at the slightest thing.

I was struggling to find any help to get his mental health accessed as there is a lack of mental health facilities in Bulgaria.

The police had said that his family could have him sectioned or he could go voluntarily to a mental institution but apart from that there was no other option.

I was reluctant to suggest that he voluntarily put himself in a mental institution as I was aware that these places were not the answer.

In Bulgaria these places are a last resort with conditions being dire and inhumane  and more likely to worsen his mental health issues with almost no chance of him getting treatment for rehabilitation.

The mentally ill in Bulgaria are seen as a burden on society that deserve nothing more except to be locked away and forgotten about.

Valeri was terrified of the police who had in the past beaten him and are renowned in Bulgaria to not always do things by the book so I was reluctant to call them when he started and would just get the hell out of there as soon as I could when he flared up and I felt threatened and hoped that when I returned he would be calm which he usually was.

I had said to him that I did not feel comfortable to be around him when I sensed he was getting wound up over something and that I was feeling consciously anxious about it escalating and me being hit again.

I also felt that I could not really be myself and that I was unable to express my feelings in case he was to take it the wrong way.

I was feeling surpressed!

I was feeling as if I could not relax in my own home.

I was feeling as if I couldn't disagree with him or say anything that he may take the wrong way.

I was not feeling safe in my own home!

He would say that he felt terrible that I did not believe he would not hit me again and he wished I would believe him so he did not have to keep feeling bad but I couldn't help how I felt and I did not like feeling that I was not safe in my own home.

There were a few occasions when he would say that I was only saying I felt that way to make him feel bad.

This made me question if he was  totally aware of the severity of what he had done and the damage that him hitting me had done to me mentally and if he wasn't able to see it then was it possible that he could do it again. 

However it did also make me question whether I was making too much of a big deal about it as I was on edge and anxious all of the time.

One day in particular, I was very on edge and I felt that I could be in danger when he started getting angry, insulting me and smashing up things in my home  which I could see was going to keep escalating as I could not reason with him. I felt I had no choice and as a last resort I called the police again.

The police made him leave despite him being reluctant to go and initially refusing.

He was pleading with me to let him stay and was saying he had promised would never hurt me even when he was angry so why had I called the police!

He managed to make me feel terrible by saying that I promised to help him and not give up on him.

He returned within hours and said he was ok again now and was not angry.

I would not let him in so he stayed outside and went from door to door of the rooms I went in trying to get me to let him in. I called the police but he ran when they arrived.

He returned in the early hours and was begging and pleading with me to let him in but I ignored him.

When I woke up in the morning he was in my house and telling me not to be scared and not to call the police until I had listened to what he had to say.

In the end I felt so guilty and cruel for giving up on him so I let him stay so long as he didnt do it again.

He was in tears and  very sorry,  also loving and thankful to be back in my home.

We talked about the need for him to get help with his paranoia and anger which he was starting to say that he did not need now as he was not going to hit me again and he was not paranoid anymore as he was starting to believe that I did really love him.

I was at a loss of what to do as I felt like he was a ticking time bomb. I could not find help, he was starting to believe that he didn't need help and was denying that he was suffering with paranoia.

I could no longer live with being constantly anxious and feeling uncomfortable in my own home but I did not know what to do!

He was still paranoid and getting worse and had now even started to think my dog was not a dog but a spy for the 'system'.

One night he again started to get angry and I heard him talking to himself downstairs in Bulgarian in an angry tone which he often did and is quite a frightening experience in itself. He then smashed something and I was frightened to even go downstairs to see what was the matter.

It went quiet for a while so I decided to go and see what was happening.

When I got downstairs he claimed that the glass he smashed was an accident and there was nothing to worry about.

I went back upstairs and a little bit later he came up with some food but I could tell he was not happy.

My dog Lula could sense he was off so she was very clingy to me.

Valeri went right up close to her face and started saying to her 'who are you really? You know exactly what you are doing! You are manipulative! Who are you working for?

I told him to back off as she was scared but he continued with it now saying she was not scared and just manipulating me.

He then just hit her extremely hard with the cooking utensil he had in his hand and said 'are you scared now' and before I could do anything he hit her again which made her legs go from under her.

That was it for me and I picked up the frying pan he had brought upstairs and told him to get the fuck out of my house otherwise I would kill him.

He could tell by my face that I was not joking.

I was so angry that if he would have touched her again or gone for me I was certain that I would have battered him to death with the frying pan.

He left the room and went downstairs but would not leave the house.

Lula and I left by the back stairs and got into the car and I then called the police to get him out of my house. Lula was shaking from head to toe!

The police came but they did not see why I had called them if it was the dog he had hit so were reluctant to get him out!

I was absolutely fuming and ended up shouting at the police to get him out as it was my home and I did not want him there so I wanted them to do their job and remove him as I was sick of being uncomfortable in my own home and living in fear.

The police finally told him to leave but were laughing at the whole situation and were almost sympathetic to Valeri that they had to get him to leave.

They told me not to call them again and that I was not to let him in again if I didn't want him there.  Trying to explain that he would come in whether I let him or not was lost on them..

I did not want Valeri to ever come back again but he did and there was nothing I could do about it!