Tense and on edge

I hated it when Valeri gambled and whether he won or lost was irrelevant to me as the whole ordeal from him placing the bet which he usually did on an accumulator basis that meant many hours, even days of extreme intensity with him going on an emotional rollercoaster ride that I was forced to ride with him!

I had no interest in gambling or the sporting events that he bet on but I had to endure the whole ordeal second by second in graphic detail.

Throughout the entire time from placing the bet to the final outcome Valeri was stressed and volatile in such an extreme way that his behaviour and moods engulfed us all. It consumed all of him, me and even the dog!

We were both (my dog and I) also the excuse and the reason for why he lost many bets. With him of course, being solely responsible and taking credit for the odd gamble that paid off!

To me, gambling was his thing and he should not have made it compulsory to have to be my thing too even (and especially) when he had already crossed the line by using my money to pay for his guilty pleasure!

I had to show interest and he would insist on it which meant me sitting by his side watching the entire matches he had bet on or if I was lucky by sitting on the sofa with my dog watching something on TV at low volume and just needing to acknowledge his reactions to it all!

He would be euphoric at times when he was up and insist on picking me up and swinging me around like a ragdoll whilst telling me how brilliant he was and how I now should realise that he was a genius mastermind when it came to gambling...

When it wasn't going well, he would erupt in anger and bang his fist on the table and make me feel on edge and even frightened to breathe too loud for fear of being accused of deliberately trying to distract him from concentrating. At these times I tried to not even move and if my dog made a sound which she often did by snoring when napping or by showing her contentment by letting out the odd sigh or little friendly growl and gruff now and then, I felt full of anxiety about him turning on either of us at any time to use as an excuse to vent his anger on which he often did.

I had learned not to just ignore him in these moods and that I should not react to it negatively but to try and diffuse it by giving  him full attention and flattery by agreeing with him that he had only lost due to the betting site deliberately trying to prevent him from winning as they were aware that he had a formula that was a threat to them! I had to also dispel this from escalating into him accusing me of working with them to stop him from winning which he had often accused me of in the past.

When I had felt that he was going to take it out on me in the past regardless, I had options still and had always managed to escape by making an excuse to leave the apartment and then finding somewhere else to stay for the night until he calmed down when I felt I was in grave danger but I no longer had that option now. Knowing that I was at his mercy and would have to accept whatever the consequences of him losing were and accept any blame he put on me for it made me absolutely terrified and I knew that I had to do whatever it took to appease him and keep me and my dog safe. I even could not show fear as when in the past I had flinched at him punching the wall or slamming his fists on the table, he had reacted badly to it and accused me of either faking it or he used my fear as a way to make himself feel better by asserting his control over me since he was unable to control the outcome of his gambling!

He had lost all the money and it was everyone else's fault but his! We had no food and only a few days left with a roof over our heads but I could not show any concern about it or act worried as to do so he would perceive as me having a go at him and trying to make him feel bad about it.

It was such a desperate few days in which we were reduced to trying to find money in the street, collecting many bottles that we could return to shops for a measly few levs and Valeri locking me in the apartment at night while he went to the bars to scrounge cigarettes and money from the drunk tourists in order to eat.